Since I managed to finish only five books last month I thought I would also include a health wrap up at the end of this post in case you are interested. It is a long, rambling post so I put it at the end so if you are only here for books then you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to 🙂 I have a bad habit of writing about my disease and then deleting it once I get it out so for the sake of actually posting something about it I have decided to not read over what I wrote so I apologize for any errors that may be in it.
Books Read: 5
Books read from February TBR: 1/9 – I also DNF’d one from this list but I’m not sure if I should count it here or not?
I still plan on writing a full review for this one. It is a very well done, ominous horror novel with lots of layers to it.
I’m sure it’s no surprise to find out that this is the book I DNF’d. The story itself isn’t terrible (although it is very heavily inspired by the Hunger Games) but the writing irritated me to no end. I first tried reading it and then I thought maybe the audiobook would work but no I couldn’t get past the first 15%. I know a lot of people like this book and I feel like I would have liked it myself at some point in the past but I really have no need for the incessant talk about how pretty and thin or whatever someone looked like. Also, its amazing that anyone will get anything done without our main character because she is shoved down our throats as this savior type so many times that it became eye roll inducing very quickly. By looking at the ratings on Goodreads I am in the minority by how much I didn’t like it so it is probably a case of its a me thing and not the book.
The Ballad of Black Tom by Victor Lavalle: 5/5
Heartstopper by Alice Oseman: 5/5
I found out in January that my blood results were still showing my disease in my blood which was a very good indicator that I would have another relapse. If you saw my post yesterday you will know that it did happen and I am now on a high dose of steroids to stop the relapse and hopefully prevent any further permanent damage. My doctors have also decided that the odds are good that I’m just going to continue to relapse without medical intervention. Back when I was diagnosed with MOG in September I was 8 months removed from the onset of my disease and still trying to recover from my first relapse. But because of COVID and the fact that all treatment options currently available for MOG are immune suppressors we decided to do a short course of steroids along with physical therapy. It was a slow recovery but January and the beginning of February were physically the best I had felt in awhile. My relapse in February consisted mostly of fatigue, balance issues and sensation changes and this week I can finally feel myself coming out of it. As hard as the physical limitations and pain are, I have been struggling the most with my mental health. Hence why my reading has been all over the place. The only thing I wanted that 8 months I waited for diagnosis was treatment and while it was a relief to finally have an answer, it was also hard to deal with the fact that there was no magical drug to make it go away. There is still no magical drug since so much is not known about MOG but at least I feel like I have a chance now. And I can’t even begin to tell you the weight that has lifted off of me. I feel the most hope I have felt since December 2019 because I feel like I am actually getting to be proactive. Which is a weird dilemma in itself because my hope is coming from basically crippling my immune system so it will stop attacking me and causing my relapses. I have had to switch the entire way I live my life because of my disease and I will again have to change my entire life for this medicine. It is daunting but I am filled with hope. I have endless topics of things I want to write about MOG and how it has changed me and made me stronger. I would never in a million years wish to have this disease but I hope that I can use it for some good. I have spent countless hours researching and looking for hope when it comes to living with MOG and it occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that I need to talk about it more. I need to share my voice when it comes to this disease because I’m helping no one by keeping quiet. I wasn’t ready before but I am now. I’m not sure if that will translate to me sharing things here or starting a new blog. I don’t know if that means writing essays or articles. But I have MOG. I spend days in pain and walking is hard. Lifting my feet to step over something is sometimes impossible. My body has burned, ached, cramped and failed me. But everyday since December 11, 2019 I have still woken up feeling blessed for the life that I have. And not because I know people have it worse than me (and they do) but because I have always been a glass half full kind of person. I thank God for all the many blessings I have in my life and I hope that if people take one thing away from my story it is that. It is ok to cry, to be angry, to be discouraged, feel frustrated and helpless but the only thing that has gotten me through is by holding on the good.